Study: The Grandparenting Dilemma, Unintended Risks of Outdated Parenting Guidance
Ah vacation… headed to your family, and you’ll get a break because grandma and grandpa are here to help…. but wait that’s not how I put the kiddo to sleep… why is she feeding him Oreos!? As a doula and founder of haveananny.com I’m deeply engaged in supporting families on a daily basis. I often find myself helping clients navigate the complex landscape of generational differences in parenting. This week, I received messages from many of my haveananny and doula clients asking how they should navigate things with elder family members. It reminds me of a recent study I came across “the clash between traditional wisdom and modern research in family dynamics”. Dr. Adesman's study, presented at the Pediatric Academic Societies Meeting in San Francisco in 2017, coupled with recent insights, sheds light on crucial areas such as nutrition, sleep practices, and emotional well-being. In this context, addressing outdated parenting advice becomes not only a personal journey but also a professional endeavor for many families. Here are insights and strategies to facilitate effective communication without causing offense:
1. Forcing Kids to Finish Their Plate:
The persistent concern surrounding the enforcement of finishing all the food on a child's plate is illuminated. While once considered a hallmark of good manners, contemporary understanding emphasizes the importance of allowing children to respond to their own hunger and fullness cues. Compelling kids to finish their plate may contribute to unhealthy eating habits and an increased risk of childhood obesity.
2. Sleep Practices and Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS):
The study underscores the significance of sleep practices, particularly the outdated recommendation of placing infants on their stomachs during sleep. Grandparents advocating for this practice may not be aware of the increased risk of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS). Aligning with current recommendations, which promote back sleeping, is crucial to mitigate the risk of SIDS. Additionally, maintaining a room temperature between 67-72 degrees Fahrenheit is highlighted for creating a safe sleep environment.
3. Emotional Effects of Parental Pressure:
Beyond physical health, the research delves into the emotional ramifications of outdated parenting practices. Pressuring children to conform to specific expectations or engaging in microaggressions related to weight, hair length, or personal attributes can have lasting impacts on a child's self-esteem and mental health. Dr. Adesman's study noted that within their questionnaires, a significant number of grandparents expressed confidence in their caregiving roles but candidly acknowledged lacking the support they needed. The role of grandparents could be alienating within their own peer group due to the evolving nature of parenting norms.
Navigating these challenges can be tricky. Here are some of my strategies to approach discussions about updated parenting practices:
1. Share Positive Experiences:
Share positive experiences related to modern parenting practices. Discuss the benefits of allowing children to self-regulate their food intake or the positive outcomes of following recommended sleep practices. Emphasize the well-being and happiness of the child as a central focus.
2. Use Inclusive Language:
Avoid creating a divide by using inclusive language such as "we" and "our." Frame the discussion as a shared learning experience, emphasizing that everyone is working toward the child's best interests.
3. Emphasize Safety and Health:
Highlight the safety and health aspects of updated practices with family members such as sleep recommendations or nutrition guidelines. Share information about how certain practices contribute to the overall well-being of the child.
4. Connect to Expert Advice:
Reference expert advice and current guidelines to legitimize the information being shared with family members and caregivers. Mentioning recommendations from pediatricians or child development experts helps convey that the advice aligns with professional expertise for the benefit of the child. I love The Modern Grandparent's Handbook: The Ultimate Guide to the New Rules of Grandparenting By Dr. Georgia Witkin.
5. Acknowledge Wisdom and Experience:
Acknowledge the valuable experiences and wisdom that grandparents bring to the family. Expressing appreciation for their role while emphasizing the integration of both tried-and-true wisdom and the latest research can create a collaborative atmosphere.
When it comes to establishing healthy boundaries:
1.Set Clear Expectations:
Establishing clear expectations about your parenting approach you’d like them to follow, open communication about values and practices, explaining how these align with current parenting guidelines are invaluable and will be beneficial in the long run.
2. Encourage Open Dialogue:
Foster an environment where open dialogue is encouraged. Let family members know that their input is valued, creating a space where everyone feels comfortable expressing thoughts and concerns without judgment.
3. Discuss Boundaries Respectfully:
You can frame discussions about boundaries in a way that emphasizes the importance of consistency for the child. For instance, "To provide the best environment for [child's name], let's try to be consistent with..." This approach focuses on your child's needs rather than implying criticism.
4. Be Flexible:
Recognize that compromise is possible in certain areas. Grandparents might have unique insights or practices that can be integrated within the boundaries set. Finding a balance that respects everyone's perspectives contributes to a harmonious family dynamic.
On your parenting journey, the clash between traditional wisdom and modern research takes on new significance. From the challenges of outdated advice to the importance of effective communication and setting healthy boundaries, families can navigate this terrain by blending the wisdom of the past with the advancements of the present. Hopefully with a little less drama and a lot more joy! If all else fails…. BREATHE!
Wishing you all a happy healthy harmonious holiday with family!
XOXO,
LIZA
Dr. Adesman's Study
